A chat about the romantic connotations

In lots of ways I have avoided talking about the romantic and sexually intimate connotations of Holding hands. I don’t think this was a wholly conscious choice but more grew out of that fact that the nature of what I am asking for from my hand holder is neither romantic or sexual. It breaks the boundaries and questions the various layers of intimacy which still fascinates me.

My hand holder on Day 269 talked with me for quite a bit about the memories and sensations of what it is to hold hands with a lover or with someone you are attracted to which brought back a memory of holding hands with a boy in secret as we watched a episodes of the x-files together. We talked of the aliveness that can be felt by simply holding someones hand, the fizzing sensation from the heat and the chemical exchange and the excitement that follows. A friend once asked me have you ever felt anything when you hold someone’s hand. He meant in a romantic/attracted to sense but I like that the phrasing suggests that you don’t feel anything if it’s not romantic.

When I think of the difference between all of the different ways I have held hands I am in swept away by the spectrum of sensations I have experienced.

Day 269

Nothingness

When it stops will there be nothing? When it stops will I sense a hole where it once was?
When it stops how will the absence resonate, in my heart, my head, my bones?
When it stops will I be thankful?
When it stops what will define me?
When it stops will I forget how to ask for what I need?
When it stops will there be nothing?

Day 266 and 267

The grind of repetition

My daily practice has offered me an opportunity to reflect upon feelings of dependency. I am a sociable creature who likes to be needed and enjoys time with other people, however I struggle with the idea of being dependent on something or someone. My daily practice throws that in the air and makes me face the fact that asking for help from others is a part of life. That even when I know I am being a slight burden on someone it can be okay.

Day 265